They Don't Want to WIn the Battle....They Just Want the Intel

It seems every children's behavior book for the last 15 years has been about choosing your battles.  What is this hypothetical war we are in with children?  Do we hope by letting our kids win these so called battles, we will somehow win some war?  By letting kids "win", you may be causing them a big loss all the way around.  I don't mean ruling over them and dictating.  I love giving children choices and letting them decide between cereal or oatmeal for breakfast, stretching their independence.  But a battle implies there is a fight ensuing.  There is already a disrespectfulness started...a "no!" in process.  A child that wants to do something different than you want them to is normal.  What is unacceptable is how they go about it.  It's your job to enlighten them!

For example, Bobby wants to wear rain boots to school.  He screams and throws the tennis shoes that you have chosen for him.  The "battle" has begun.  Is it so bad to let him wear his rain boots to preschool, really?  Probably not, but it's not about the conflict to wear rain boots.  It's now about screaming and throwing to get what you want.  It is inexcusable as a parent to let screaming and throwing dictate decisions in your home.

It's your responsibility to give your children the intel....the knowledge of manners and being respectful.  Is it so hard to teach a child to be polite?  Is it really easier to pander to the screaming, throwing, pouting, hitting, crying, ect? Maybe the first time it seems better, but is this the way you want the next 16 years to be?  Once Bobby has the knowledge, he can ask politely without screaming or throwing if he can wear his rain boots.  He'll be thrilled with his newly found secret of success.  You could even teach him to say, "please"....unbelievable.  If you can do this one or two times, Bobby will know what to do next time he wants to wear rain boots.  His job is to learn what to do.  It's the parents job to instruct him.

Parents should be sensitive to creating situations they know will upset their children.  It may be hard to imagine someone picking a fight with their children, but it happens all the time.  Some parents don't even realize they do it.  One example would be making them wear something you know they don't want to.  It turns into a 30 minute cry fest with punishment for something the parent started (and over a piece of clothing!)  If you know how your child is going to react to something...wearing shoes you know they hate or clothes they hate....it's as if it was done on purpose.  Obviously, there will always be things your kids don't want to do, but need to and clothes they hate, but need to wear.  With preparation and explanation, you can deal with those situations, but don't cause them when it's unnecessary.  Constantly forcing needless things on them can be detrimental to your relationship with them.  Child rearing shouldn't be constant battles to win some non-existant war.  Love your children and don't provoke them. (Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4)


Teaching manners got lost somewhere.  We don't teach them at home, but we somehow expect our children to be polite around Grandma and their teachers.  Every so called battle is a question a child is asking.  A question demanding what is right and what is wrong.  A question to attain how they should behave to get heard and understood.  They don't want to win some battle...they just want the intel.  For Bobby, he thought screaming and throwing was the answer.  It's Bobby's job to learn what to do and how to act just as it's his parents job to teach him.  Neither is an easy endeavor.  It's time consuming and frustrating for both.  But if you are consistent, your kids will learn, behave better, and be so much happier than all the other kids winning "battles" and ruling over their parents.  Remember, parents are not Generals in a war, they are teachers in the classroom of life!