I want to start this blog with a couple of my personal truths:
1. No one, not even me, can take better care of children than their mother...no one. Mom's are the most valuable and most expensive childcare. If you really want the very best for your children, you are it!
2. Daycares are the least expensive childcare for a reason.
3. No matter what our society tries to do to make it "okay" to be a working mom, the desire to be with our kids and the guilt we feel when we are not is still there. And it can be overwhelming. I believe that's how God made us.
When I started my first job, Olena was 3 months old. Beautiful, sweet, and so cuddley. Mom1's first day back to work as a physician, she was on call. I brought little Olena up to see her. She grabbed Olena, held her close and just cried. Rocked and cried. I thought for sure I had just lost my job. I secretly hoped. Not because I didn't want the job, but I could see that mom obviously should be with baby. Mom1 was "brainwashed" though. She had been promised she could have it all...do it all. That's what our society preaches. But, she was realizing, at that moment, that she could not. Something had to give. Unfortunately, it was Olena. No one ever once told her how hard it would be to leave her baby in the arms of someone else. They never told her she would actually want to stay with her baby. The books she read guaranteed her the sadness would go away and it would get better. Just suffer through. Of course, Olena had to suffer through also. Mom1 loved her job. She spent years in school and found herself in her work. It defined her. In her mind, what else could she do, but grieve and work? I'm not so naive to think money wasn't a factor, but Dad1 was also a physician. I believe, to Mom1 the career was more of a factor than the money it brought in.
My second job was similar, but different circumstances. Mom2 did cry at the beginning. She also had no idea how difficult it would be. She had never considered that she would have a difficult time heading back to the old grind. Why don't we hear more about how hard it is? Are women ashamed of the desire to be with their kids? Do they see it as a weakness? Anyway, the difference with Mom2 is she works from home. To her it was the ideal situation. "I can be here with my babies, hear my babies, and see them whenever I want." Unfortunately, Cate and Morgan cannot see their mom whenever THEY want...which is 90% of the time. Another difference is Mom2 has a strong desire to be a stay at home mom and could give up her career without much of a problem. She used to care about her career. She's GREAT at her job, but suddenly it became so unimportant. She could see herself defined by her mom status and not how many projects she could get done. For them, it's the quality of life they wanted. To live where they live and how they live, they need the money. To give their kids the life they want to give them, they need the money. Mom2 gets to hear the children and I making plans to go to the park or zoo or museum without her. Doing all the things she wants to experience with her children. She gets to hear them laugh.....with someone else, be comforted..... by someone else, get disciplined..... by someone else. She gets to hear them call for her over and over. Is it really ideal or just the best alternative for the situation they've created?
Why choose work over children? How did this even become acceptable? There was a time when we as women were overwhelmed....bored and tired of 24/7 childcare, housekeeper, wife. Somehow raising the next generation became so unimportant and finding personal fulfillment and having cable became essential. The grass looked so much greener in our husband's pasture...leaving the stress of home to do something he loved and coming back to a clean house, cooked dinner and a freshly made bed. We just wanted to step over the fence and we did. (okay, enough with the analogy!) But, we left behind generations of kids raised by someone not us. What took over this so important job? Daddy? Rarely, but a great alternative to mom. Daycare? Usually. If you are a mom working to give your children the best of everything, but you put your child in daycare, you have failed from the get go. Hands down, you are the best which makes Day Care the worst. I hate to bash on daycare. It's not their fault. There's nothing really bad about them. The government makes sure of that. It's just not the best.
And what are women finding out? They are leaving everyday to a semi-fulfilling career, but not coming home to a clean house, cooked meal, and freshly made bed. They are coming home to chaos. Kids that have been waiting for them all day to vent their feelings (kids will hold it all in just for you), kids with homework and after-school activities, dinner to make or buy or microwave, unhappy husbands that still don't want the house work, and piles of dirty clothes. And clean sheets? In our dreams. And the guilt for not doing it all? Consuming!
Finally, after 40 years, women seem to slowly be figuring it out. According to a CBS news report, there's been a 15% increase in stay at home moms in less than 10 years. There's even been an increase in stay at home dads. The percentage of stay at home dads has tripled in the last 10 years according to a Washington Post article in 2007.
As for me, the nanny, I love these children. I don't have my own yet, but I cannot imagine loving my own more than I love the babies that I've nannied and are nannying. So why can't my care of them be just as good as a mom? Because no matter how much I love them, they will always love their mom most. They will always want their mom first. And they know, in the back of their little minds, that I'm not permanent. I feel a ton of guilt myself for leaving Olena and Daniel and knowing that I will be leaving Cate and Morgan. Misplaced guilt perhaps, but guilt none the less. I push it back and grieve through, just like the working mom....
.....to be continued in "Show me the Guilt"
"Staying at Home" CBS, 60 Minutes, 2004
"Stay-at-Home Dads Forge New Identities, Roles" Washington Post, 2007
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