Enjoying your children #3

On Eating Out! My best word of advise on this subject is:  Don't hold them when you go eat at restaurants.  How long do you really think they will be happy sitting on your lap?  How happy will you be trying to feed yourself and feed a child squirming around on your lap?  Let them sit in their own chairs.  It's the easiest thing in the world to do.  They will eat better and have better manners.  

If you are struggling with this, here are some ideas:

a.  To get started, go eat at an odd time (mid-morning or early dinner) and teach them that everyone sits in their own chairs, no exceptions.  I guarantee if you think they just won't sit, it's because they've always had a choice.  Use the strap in highchair so there's no temptation to squirm down.  There might be some whining and crying, but try and stay at least 30 minutes.  I wouldn't be surprised if after 5 minutes, they realize, "Oh, I need to stay in my chair".  Kids are so smart and easily taught if you just give them the chance.   Don't worry about anyone around you.  I they want peace and quiet, they should eat at home!

b. Bring their favorite book and some little toys you know they like (little people, polly pockets, little plastic animals, little books).  Wait just a little before getting out their toys.  They will be happy with the change of scenery and the waiter at first.  Then, don't pile all the toys in front of them, but give them the books and toys slowly...one at a time.  As they get older, you can bring stickers, crayons, markers, maze books, ect...   

c. Don't feed them before you go out.  Bring at least one of their favorite healthy foods (tupperware of strawberries, yogurt, a banana).  Don't let them eat before everyone else gets their food.  Only exception is if it's taking a long time to get your order.  Then you can bring out the snack.  Don't, whatever you do, ask for their food early.  They should eat when you are eating.  Once they are done eating, they won't want to stay much longer.  If they eat before you do, you'll be putting your food in a bag to take home.

I think you will be shocked at how easy it is to enjoy an hour long meal with actual visiting and conversation with your spouse or friends.  It's really fun!

Enjoying your children #3

On Eating Out! My best word of advise on this subject is:  Don't hold them when you go eat at restaurants.  How long do you really think they will be happy sitting on your lap?  How happy will you be trying to feed yourself and feed a child squirming around on your lap?  Let them sit in their own chairs.  It's the easiest thing in the world to do.  They will eat better and have better manners.  

If you are struggling with this, here are some ideas:

a.  To get started, go eat at an odd time (mid-morning or early dinner) and teach them that everyone sits in their own chairs, no exceptions.  I guarantee if you think they just won't sit, it's because they've always had a choice.  Use the strap in highchair so there's no temptation to squirm down.  There might be some whining and crying, but try and stay at least 30 minutes.  I wouldn't be surprised if after 5 minutes, they realize, "Oh, I need to stay in my chair".  Kids are so smart and easily taught if you just give them the chance.   Don't worry about anyone around you.  I they want peace and quiet, they should eat at home!

b. Bring their favorite book and some little toys you know they like (little people, polly pockets, little plastic animals).  Wait just a little before getting out their toys.  They will be happy with the change of scenery and the waiter at first.  Then, don't pile all the toys in front of them, but give them the books and toys slowly...one at a time.  As they get older, you can bring stickers, crayons, markers, maze books, ect...   

c. Don't feed them before you go out.  This is key!  Bring at least one of their favorite healthy foods (tupperware of strawberries, yogurt, a banana).  Don't let them eat before everyone else gets their food.  If it's taking a long time to get your order, bring out the snack.  Don't, whatever you do, ask for their food early.  They should eat when you are eating.  Once they are done eating, they won't want to stay much longer. 

I think you will be shocked at how easy it is to enjoy an hour long meal with actual visiting and conversation with family and friends.  It's really fun!

Enjoying your children #2

On Discipline!  Always be consistent in discipline.  Once children know what to expect, life gets a much more pleasant for both of you.  If you say it, you must follow through no matter the crying, pleading, and the sweet "i'm sorry mama".  For example, if you say "We are leaving the park the next time you throw sand" then you must leave the next time they throw sand.  If you don't, it's really not fair to the child.  How are they supposed to know when you mean it and when you are just kidding.  They have no idea when you are serious.  If you develop consequences to behavior, you must follow through.  Don't make it a guessing game.  Also, let them know you are serious.  Look them in the eye, bend down to their level (don't call out from the bench where you are visiting with a friend), and speak as if you explaining something.  There's know need to be harsh.  Explain, "The consequence for throwing sand is to leave the park.....or sit in time-out....or whatever."  If you know you won't follow through, so will they.  If they don't stop the behavior you have warned them about, look to your own past behavior.  Unless your child can't learn, you are not being consistent.   I can't tell you how extremely important consistency is for your child's good behavior and peace of mind.  They really do want to please you.  Show them how!

Enjoying your children #1

Sleep!  I could write a book about how important sleep is for adults and children.  I'm a little obsessed!  It's so much more than a good nights sleep that you give your children.  A good nights sleep is definitely important (for you and them).  But, when children are rested their learning improves and they are better able to deal with life's frustrations.  Teaching them to sleep on their own and in their own beds is the only way to assure them of a good nights sleep.  More than just being well rested, it gives them a confidence that children who sleep with their parents don't have.  It's interesting how hard it is for working parents to do this simple task.  It really is simple though it may be emotionally tasking.  The longer you wait to do this for your children, the harder it is and MUCH more emotional for you both.  We selfishly want to hold our sleeping children.  It's so cuddly and comfortable to lay down with your them or rock them to sleep, but so unfair to them.  Cuddle them when they are awake!

If you are waiting for your children's eyes to fall shut, your waiting too long.  Children should not wait to go to bed until they can't keep their eyes open.  Can you imagine if you did that?  How late would you be up every night waiting to be so tired your eyes won't stay open?  So, how do you put a child who seems wide awake to sleep?  You don't!  You teach them how to put themselves to sleep.  The younger you start, the easier on your child it is.  My nieces don't even remember not knowing how to go to sleep.  If you are struggling with this, read what I call the Ferber book (Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber).  It's an easy read and so informative.  But, here are some of his ideas in my words mixed with some of my ideas:  

First, FOLLOW THE FERBER SLEEP CHART!!  I love it and have found it to be comlpetely accurate give or take 30 minutes.

Next, always be consistent.   Have a 5 to 10 minute bedtime routine and give them a sleep item (stuffed animal, blanket, pacifier...something that is only for nighttime and doesn't leave their bed except for traveling).  Don't stray from the routine you have set!!  No matter when you start (infant or toddler) there will be crying involved.  Remember, they are safe and warm in their beds.  Crying isn't going to hurt them, and I guarantee it won't last.  Not teaching them to sleep will hurt them.  The younger your child is, the less crying time there will be at the beginning.  Give it 3 days and I bet they won't cry for more than 1 or 2 minutes before they are asleep.  Once they are sleeping on their own, don't muck it up!  If you ever think, "I'll just sleep with them tonight cause they asked so sweetly.....or they might be teething,......or they seem out of sorts", you'll have started something that is so difficult to stop and so unfair to them.  I have a friend who's 13 year old son still crawls in bed with them and has a 16 year old who can't get to sleep until after 11pm every night (she gets up @ 5am to catch the bus for school) because they never learned to sleep on their own.  They actually had great sleep habits as babies, but it ended as soon as they could talk and asked for mommy to lay down with them and it was over.  Don't be fooled in thinking this will eventually stop and your kids will one day be great sleepers.  Teach them now!  

It might be difficult when you are traveling, but stay as close as possible to your routines.  Make sure your bedtimes and naps remain consistent.  I promise this will give you a much happier trip.  You will not have as much flexibility for a few years, but you will have MUCH better vacations with much happier children.  Overall, a much more enjoyable trip.  If you really want flexibility to do what you want, bring your parents or babysitter along as nap and bedtime sitters.

Give your kids the amazing gift of sleep.  Always remember:  you are the parent and you know what's best.  We know what they want.... to sleep with you, sleep in your bed, stay up late, and never nap.  Hopefully, you have the wisdom and strength to do what's best for them and their well being.

They Don't Want to WIn the Battle....They Just Want the Intel

It seems every children's behavior book for the last 15 years has been about choosing your battles.  What is this hypothetical war we are in with children?  Do we hope by letting our kids win these so called battles, we will somehow win some war?  By letting kids "win", you may be causing them a big loss all the way around.  I don't mean ruling over them and dictating.  I love giving children choices and letting them decide between cereal or oatmeal for breakfast, stretching their independence.  But a battle implies there is a fight ensuing.  There is already a disrespectfulness started...a "no!" in process.  A child that wants to do something different than you want them to is normal.  What is unacceptable is how they go about it.  It's your job to enlighten them!

For example, Bobby wants to wear rain boots to school.  He screams and throws the tennis shoes that you have chosen for him.  The "battle" has begun.  Is it so bad to let him wear his rain boots to preschool, really?  Probably not, but it's not about the conflict to wear rain boots.  It's now about screaming and throwing to get what you want.  It is inexcusable as a parent to let screaming and throwing dictate decisions in your home.

It's your responsibility to give your children the intel....the knowledge of manners and being respectful.  Is it so hard to teach a child to be polite?  Is it really easier to pander to the screaming, throwing, pouting, hitting, crying, ect? Maybe the first time it seems better, but is this the way you want the next 16 years to be?  Once Bobby has the knowledge, he can ask politely without screaming or throwing if he can wear his rain boots.  He'll be thrilled with his newly found secret of success.  You could even teach him to say, "please"....unbelievable.  If you can do this one or two times, Bobby will know what to do next time he wants to wear rain boots.  His job is to learn what to do.  It's the parents job to instruct him.

Parents should be sensitive to creating situations they know will upset their children.  It may be hard to imagine someone picking a fight with their children, but it happens all the time.  Some parents don't even realize they do it.  One example would be making them wear something you know they don't want to.  It turns into a 30 minute cry fest with punishment for something the parent started (and over a piece of clothing!)  If you know how your child is going to react to something...wearing shoes you know they hate or clothes they hate....it's as if it was done on purpose.  Obviously, there will always be things your kids don't want to do, but need to and clothes they hate, but need to wear.  With preparation and explanation, you can deal with those situations, but don't cause them when it's unnecessary.  Constantly forcing needless things on them can be detrimental to your relationship with them.  Child rearing shouldn't be constant battles to win some non-existant war.  Love your children and don't provoke them. (Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4)


Teaching manners got lost somewhere.  We don't teach them at home, but we somehow expect our children to be polite around Grandma and their teachers.  Every so called battle is a question a child is asking.  A question demanding what is right and what is wrong.  A question to attain how they should behave to get heard and understood.  They don't want to win some battle...they just want the intel.  For Bobby, he thought screaming and throwing was the answer.  It's Bobby's job to learn what to do and how to act just as it's his parents job to teach him.  Neither is an easy endeavor.  It's time consuming and frustrating for both.  But if you are consistent, your kids will learn, behave better, and be so much happier than all the other kids winning "battles" and ruling over their parents.  Remember, parents are not Generals in a war, they are teachers in the classroom of life!

Oh the guilt....

I want to start this blog with a couple of my personal truths:

1.  No one, not even me, can take better care of children than their mother...no one.  Mom's are the most valuable and most expensive childcare.  If you really want the very best for your children, you are it!

2.   Daycares are the least expensive childcare for a reason.


3.  No matter what our society tries to do to make it "okay" to be a working mom, the desire to be with our kids and the guilt we feel when we are not is still there.  And it can be overwhelming.  I believe that's how God made us.

When I started my first job, Olena was 3 months old.  Beautiful, sweet, and so cuddley.  Mom1's first day back to work as a physician, she was on call.  I brought little Olena up to see her.  She grabbed Olena, held her close and just cried.  Rocked and cried.  I thought for sure I had just lost my job.  I secretly hoped.  Not because I didn't want the job, but I could see that mom obviously should be with baby.  Mom1 was "brainwashed" though.  She had been promised she could have it all...do it all.  That's what our society preaches.  But, she was realizing, at that moment, that she could not.  Something had to give.  Unfortunately, it was Olena.  No one ever once told her how hard it would be to leave her baby in the arms of someone else.  They never told her she would actually want to stay with her baby.  The books she read guaranteed her the sadness would go away and it would get better.  Just suffer through.  Of course, Olena had to suffer through also.  Mom1 loved her job.  She spent years in school and found herself in her work.  It defined her.  In her mind, what else could she do, but grieve and work?  I'm not so naive to think money wasn't a factor, but Dad1 was also a physician.  I believe, to Mom1 the career was more of a factor than the money it brought in.

My second job was similar, but different circumstances.  Mom2 did cry at the beginning.  She also had no idea how difficult it would be.  She had never considered that she would have a difficult time heading back to the old grind.  Why don't we hear more about how hard it is?  Are women ashamed of the desire to be with their kids?  Do they see it as a weakness?  Anyway, the difference with Mom2 is she works from home.  To her it was the ideal situation.  "I can be here with my babies, hear my babies, and see them whenever I want."  Unfortunately, Cate and Morgan cannot see their mom whenever THEY want...which is 90% of the time.   Another difference is Mom2 has a strong desire to be a stay at home mom and could give up her career without much of a problem.  She used to care about her career.  She's GREAT at her job, but suddenly it became so unimportant.  She could see herself defined by her mom status and not how many projects she could get done.  For them,  it's the quality of life they wanted.  To live where they live and how they live, they need the money.  To give their kids the life they want to give them, they need the money.  Mom2 gets to hear the children and I making plans to go to the park or zoo or museum without her.  Doing all the things she wants to experience with her children.  She gets to hear them laugh.....with someone else, be comforted..... by someone else, get disciplined..... by someone else.  She gets to hear them call for her over and over.  Is it really ideal or just the best alternative for the situation they've created?

Why choose work over children?  How did this even become acceptable?  There was a time when we as women were overwhelmed....bored and tired of 24/7 childcare, housekeeper, wife.  Somehow raising the next generation became so unimportant and finding personal fulfillment and having cable became essential.  The grass looked so much greener in our husband's pasture...leaving the stress of home to do something he loved and coming back to a clean house, cooked dinner and a freshly made bed.  We just wanted to step over the fence and we did. (okay, enough with the analogy!)  But, we left behind generations of kids raised by someone not us.  What took over this so important job?  Daddy? Rarely, but a great alternative to mom. Daycare?  Usually.  If you are a mom working to give your children the best of everything, but you put your child in daycare, you have failed from the get go.  Hands down, you are the best which makes Day Care the worst.  I hate to bash on daycare.  It's not their fault.  There's nothing really bad about them.  The government makes sure of that.  It's just not the best.

And what are women finding out?  They are leaving everyday to a semi-fulfilling career, but not coming home to a clean house, cooked meal, and freshly made bed.  They are coming home to chaos.  Kids that have been waiting for them all day to vent their feelings (kids will hold it all in just for you), kids with homework and after-school activities, dinner to make or buy or microwave, unhappy husbands that still don't want the house work, and piles of dirty clothes.  And clean sheets?  In our dreams.  And the guilt for not doing it all?  Consuming!

Finally, after 40 years, women seem to slowly be figuring it out.  According to a CBS news report, there's been a 15% increase in stay at home moms in less than 10 years.  There's even been an increase in stay at home dads.  The percentage of stay at home dads has tripled in the last 10 years according to a Washington Post article in 2007.

As for me, the nanny, I love these children.  I don't have my own yet, but I cannot imagine loving my own more than I love the babies that I've nannied and are nannying.  So why can't my care of them be just as good as a mom?  Because no matter how much I love them, they will always love their mom most.  They will always want their mom first.  And they know, in the back of their little minds, that I'm not permanent.  I feel a ton of guilt myself for leaving Olena and Daniel and knowing that I will be leaving Cate and Morgan.  Misplaced guilt perhaps, but guilt none the less.  I push it back and grieve through, just like the working mom....

.....to be continued in "Show me the Guilt"

"Staying at Home"  CBS, 60 Minutes, 2004
"Stay-at-Home Dads Forge New Identities, Roles" Washington Post, 2007

Keeping a Nanny Position/How to Keep Your Nanny

I thought I should write a little about how to find and keep that great nanny job which directly ties into how to keep that great Nanny.  A little insight for parents and nannies alike!  Just like any relationship, the more you give the more you get.  It's a little different from moving up the career ladder in most jobs, but not much.  Like any job, you want to be invaluable to your employer.  The more they realize they can't live without you, the more they will want to do to keep you.  I will give some examples of what I did to make myself invaluable and in return what was given me in appreciation and incentive to stay at one nanny job for 13 years!

It begins when you search for a job.  First, find a family that is willing to pay more for you than they thought they would pay.  This is totally relative.  It depends on the families income, location, and thoughts about childcare.  When searching for my first job, I asked for more than a beginning nanny would have asked for in 1994....$350 a week (I specifically wanted a "salaried" job, not hourly) with health insurance and room/board.  I expected them to take out taxes, unemployment, and Social Security.  I quickly found a family that was hoping to pay around $300, but were willing to meet my demands.  They wanted the best and that meant paying more than they thought.
[side note:  after 13 years with family #1, my salary increased exponentially and I was able to save $24,ooo in an IRA account for retirement]
Now, my current job, I was asking for $350 again (13 years later with 13 years experience).  I had moved to a struggling part of the country with a very high unemployment rate.  Family #2, having their first baby, were hoping to spend about $250.  We settled for $300 (salaried once again, but now that I was married, health insurance and room and board were not needed).  They do take out the taxes, unemployment, and social security.  This seems so weird, doesn't it.  Making so much less with so much experience, but I was living in a different part of the country and interviewing with people making much less than my last employers.  Relatively speaking, they were paying me as much as when I started with family #1.  And they also were willing to pay me more than they thought they were going to have to pay.  That told me something about them and how they would ultimately treat me.  With both jobs, I got paid vacation time.  Secondly, I specifically looked for a family that wanted me to be a nanny...not a house keeper.  If the children aren't their first priority, how can they be mine?  I was willing to keep the children's toys straightened and laundry kept up, but the children were always my first priority.  I didn't want my job hanging on the fact that I took great care of the kids, but I didn't finish the laundry.  I wanted the expectation to be childcare only.

Unlike most jobs, you don't move up positions as a nanny.  To move "up", you usually have to find a new job in a part of the country that pays more for childcare.  As with my experience, starting over with a new family can mean starting with a lower salary and working your way up all over again.  But, families aren't looking for 1 or 2 year nannies.  It's hard to find a nanny, time consuming, and very difficult on children.  It's no picnic for nannies either to integrate into new families.  Ideally, families need to "promote" you with pay, bonuses, or other incentives.  Raises with more children is a given.  My family #1, gave me yearly raises, Christmas bonuses, generous gifts, and after a few years, gave me a trip to England and later a cruise.  Family #2, is always giving me gifts and yearly raises.

Now, what did I do to earn the loyalty of these families?  First, I always gave 110%.  Priority #1, is always the children.  But, my second priority is to help the family as much as I can so they can concentrate on being a family when I leave.  When the children are napping, at school, or even busy eating breakfast or lunch, I find things to do to help the family.  Family #1 worked lots of hours and needed lots of help.  It was easy to become invaluable.  After a few months, I could see where they needed help.  Things as simple as emptying the dishwasher or filling it up, straightening, keeping everyone organized and communicating, and being flexible with my time.  I was a live-in nanny with fam #1, so helping with dinner and cleaning up after weren't expected, but so appreciated.  Family #2, is not as busy, but with 2 smaller children, it only took about 2 weeks to see they needed help with their towels being laundered weekly and dishes emptied daily.  Remember, the kids always come first, but 9 times out of 10, I get those things done.  You can't imagine how appreciative they are for such little things.  Second, I'm always there and on time.  If I'm not there, they can't work.  There isn't a substitute nanny hotline.  I have never missed a day of work because of snow or illness.  It has snowed (I lived in Colorado and Michigan) and I have been sick (if I have it the children already have been exposed or vice versa), but never sick enough to not show up.  There have been days that I've left my house 2 hours early to make sure I get through the snow and traffic in time for work.  Reliable childcare is a must.  Working parents are stressed enough without having to worry if their nanny is going to show up and you won't keep your job long or get a good reference if you can't consistently show up for work.

Simple enough, right?  We live in an age where serving others is seen as demeaning.  It's hard to find yourself working for a small salary and doing more than your job description, but it's the best advice I can give you.  It's how you get ahead not just as a nanny, but in life.  Nannying, ultimately, is more than babysitting children, it's caring for the family unit that has taken their most important job (parenting) and given it to you.  Quite a responsibility!  And quite rewarding!!

The start of something....

The Nanny/Child relationship is like no other. It's hard to explain and even harder to truly understand. The bond you develop is closer than a relative. And if you are a nanny and you do not have that bond, you need to change careers or find a new family. Nanny's spend 40 to 60 hours a week caring for, feeding, rocking, hugging, reading to, playing with, listening to, tutoring, putting to bed, getting dressed, bathing, driving, planning birthday parties, making snacks for school...anything and everything for which parents are responsible. These children become part of your heart and soul and the nanny becomes the third most important person in these children's lives.

This is going to be a blog of stories, of helpful hints, and nanny knowledge. I have been a career nanny since I graduated college. I have loved every year, if not every minute. I have formed relationships with someone else's children....children I may never have even met, but they are now part of me and will always be. And not just part of me, but part of my family. If you are a parent reading this, I hope you are having this relationship with your nanny. I read once that if you are a mother and feel jealous of the relationship your nanny has with your children, she must be doing a great job. If you can't be there to give them parenting, make sure you hire someone who can and will.

I have come to some strong conclusions about childcare during the last 16 years.  I can see in the eyes of the children I love so much the one thing they are missing....a full-time mom.  I understand there will always be differing opinions on this subject.  I love the parents and the children I have nannied and my opinions are mine alone.  They know I would never leave my children with anyone, but everyone makes their own decisions for their own reasons and reasonings.  Whether you agree with me or not, I hope you learn something.