I want to start this blog with a couple of my personal truths:
1. No one, not even me, can take better care of children than their mother...no one. Mom's are the most valuable and most expensive childcare. If you really want the very best for your children, you are it!
2. Daycares are the least expensive childcare for a reason.
3. No matter what our society tries to do to make it "okay" to be a working mom, the desire to be with our kids and the guilt we feel when we are not is still there. And it can be overwhelming. I believe that's how God made us.
When I started my first job, Olena was 3 months old. Beautiful, sweet, and so cuddley. Mom1's first day back to work as a physician, she was on call. I brought little Olena up to see her. She grabbed Olena, held her close and just cried. Rocked and cried. I thought for sure I had just lost my job. I secretly hoped. Not because I didn't want the job, but I could see that mom obviously should be with baby. Mom1 was "brainwashed" though. She had been promised she could have it all...do it all. That's what our society preaches. But, she was realizing, at that moment, that she could not. Something had to give. Unfortunately, it was Olena. No one ever once told her how hard it would be to leave her baby in the arms of someone else. They never told her she would actually want to stay with her baby. The books she read guaranteed her the sadness would go away and it would get better. Just suffer through. Of course, Olena had to suffer through also. Mom1 loved her job. She spent years in school and found herself in her work. It defined her. In her mind, what else could she do, but grieve and work? I'm not so naive to think money wasn't a factor, but Dad1 was also a physician. I believe, to Mom1 the career was more of a factor than the money it brought in.
My second job was similar, but different circumstances. Mom2 did cry at the beginning. She also had no idea how difficult it would be. She had never considered that she would have a difficult time heading back to the old grind. Why don't we hear more about how hard it is? Are women ashamed of the desire to be with their kids? Do they see it as a weakness? Anyway, the difference with Mom2 is she works from home. To her it was the ideal situation. "I can be here with my babies, hear my babies, and see them whenever I want." Unfortunately, Cate and Morgan cannot see their mom whenever THEY want...which is 90% of the time. Another difference is Mom2 has a strong desire to be a stay at home mom and could give up her career without much of a problem. She used to care about her career. She's GREAT at her job, but suddenly it became so unimportant. She could see herself defined by her mom status and not how many projects she could get done. For them, it's the quality of life they wanted. To live where they live and how they live, they need the money. To give their kids the life they want to give them, they need the money. Mom2 gets to hear the children and I making plans to go to the park or zoo or museum without her. Doing all the things she wants to experience with her children. She gets to hear them laugh.....with someone else, be comforted..... by someone else, get disciplined..... by someone else. She gets to hear them call for her over and over. Is it really ideal or just the best alternative for the situation they've created?
Why choose work over children? How did this even become acceptable? There was a time when we as women were overwhelmed....bored and tired of 24/7 childcare, housekeeper, wife. Somehow raising the next generation became so unimportant and finding personal fulfillment and having cable became essential. The grass looked so much greener in our husband's pasture...leaving the stress of home to do something he loved and coming back to a clean house, cooked dinner and a freshly made bed. We just wanted to step over the fence and we did. (okay, enough with the analogy!) But, we left behind generations of kids raised by someone not us. What took over this so important job? Daddy? Rarely, but a great alternative to mom. Daycare? Usually. If you are a mom working to give your children the best of everything, but you put your child in daycare, you have failed from the get go. Hands down, you are the best which makes Day Care the worst. I hate to bash on daycare. It's not their fault. There's nothing really bad about them. The government makes sure of that. It's just not the best.
And what are women finding out? They are leaving everyday to a semi-fulfilling career, but not coming home to a clean house, cooked meal, and freshly made bed. They are coming home to chaos. Kids that have been waiting for them all day to vent their feelings (kids will hold it all in just for you), kids with homework and after-school activities, dinner to make or buy or microwave, unhappy husbands that still don't want the house work, and piles of dirty clothes. And clean sheets? In our dreams. And the guilt for not doing it all? Consuming!
Finally, after 40 years, women seem to slowly be figuring it out. According to a CBS news report, there's been a 15% increase in stay at home moms in less than 10 years. There's even been an increase in stay at home dads. The percentage of stay at home dads has tripled in the last 10 years according to a Washington Post article in 2007.
As for me, the nanny, I love these children. I don't have my own yet, but I cannot imagine loving my own more than I love the babies that I've nannied and are nannying. So why can't my care of them be just as good as a mom? Because no matter how much I love them, they will always love their mom most. They will always want their mom first. And they know, in the back of their little minds, that I'm not permanent. I feel a ton of guilt myself for leaving Olena and Daniel and knowing that I will be leaving Cate and Morgan. Misplaced guilt perhaps, but guilt none the less. I push it back and grieve through, just like the working mom....
.....to be continued in "Show me the Guilt"
"Staying at Home" CBS, 60 Minutes, 2004
"Stay-at-Home Dads Forge New Identities, Roles" Washington Post, 2007
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Keeping a Nanny Position/How to Keep Your Nanny
I thought I should write a little about how to find and keep that great nanny job which directly ties into how to keep that great Nanny. A little insight for parents and nannies alike! Just like any relationship, the more you give the more you get. It's a little different from moving up the career ladder in most jobs, but not much. Like any job, you want to be invaluable to your employer. The more they realize they can't live without you, the more they will want to do to keep you. I will give some examples of what I did to make myself invaluable and in return what was given me in appreciation and incentive to stay at one nanny job for 13 years!
It begins when you search for a job. First, find a family that is willing to pay more for you than they thought they would pay. This is totally relative. It depends on the families income, location, and thoughts about childcare. When searching for my first job, I asked for more than a beginning nanny would have asked for in 1994....$350 a week (I specifically wanted a "salaried" job, not hourly) with health insurance and room/board. I expected them to take out taxes, unemployment, and Social Security. I quickly found a family that was hoping to pay around $300, but were willing to meet my demands. They wanted the best and that meant paying more than they thought.
[side note: after 13 years with family #1, my salary increased exponentially and I was able to save $24,ooo in an IRA account for retirement]
Now, my current job, I was asking for $350 again (13 years later with 13 years experience). I had moved to a struggling part of the country with a very high unemployment rate. Family #2, having their first baby, were hoping to spend about $250. We settled for $300 (salaried once again, but now that I was married, health insurance and room and board were not needed). They do take out the taxes, unemployment, and social security. This seems so weird, doesn't it. Making so much less with so much experience, but I was living in a different part of the country and interviewing with people making much less than my last employers. Relatively speaking, they were paying me as much as when I started with family #1. And they also were willing to pay me more than they thought they were going to have to pay. That told me something about them and how they would ultimately treat me. With both jobs, I got paid vacation time. Secondly, I specifically looked for a family that wanted me to be a nanny...not a house keeper. If the children aren't their first priority, how can they be mine? I was willing to keep the children's toys straightened and laundry kept up, but the children were always my first priority. I didn't want my job hanging on the fact that I took great care of the kids, but I didn't finish the laundry. I wanted the expectation to be childcare only.
Unlike most jobs, you don't move up positions as a nanny. To move "up", you usually have to find a new job in a part of the country that pays more for childcare. As with my experience, starting over with a new family can mean starting with a lower salary and working your way up all over again. But, families aren't looking for 1 or 2 year nannies. It's hard to find a nanny, time consuming, and very difficult on children. It's no picnic for nannies either to integrate into new families. Ideally, families need to "promote" you with pay, bonuses, or other incentives. Raises with more children is a given. My family #1, gave me yearly raises, Christmas bonuses, generous gifts, and after a few years, gave me a trip to England and later a cruise. Family #2, is always giving me gifts and yearly raises.
Now, what did I do to earn the loyalty of these families? First, I always gave 110%. Priority #1, is always the children. But, my second priority is to help the family as much as I can so they can concentrate on being a family when I leave. When the children are napping, at school, or even busy eating breakfast or lunch, I find things to do to help the family. Family #1 worked lots of hours and needed lots of help. It was easy to become invaluable. After a few months, I could see where they needed help. Things as simple as emptying the dishwasher or filling it up, straightening, keeping everyone organized and communicating, and being flexible with my time. I was a live-in nanny with fam #1, so helping with dinner and cleaning up after weren't expected, but so appreciated. Family #2, is not as busy, but with 2 smaller children, it only took about 2 weeks to see they needed help with their towels being laundered weekly and dishes emptied daily. Remember, the kids always come first, but 9 times out of 10, I get those things done. You can't imagine how appreciative they are for such little things. Second, I'm always there and on time. If I'm not there, they can't work. There isn't a substitute nanny hotline. I have never missed a day of work because of snow or illness. It has snowed (I lived in Colorado and Michigan) and I have been sick (if I have it the children already have been exposed or vice versa), but never sick enough to not show up. There have been days that I've left my house 2 hours early to make sure I get through the snow and traffic in time for work. Reliable childcare is a must. Working parents are stressed enough without having to worry if their nanny is going to show up and you won't keep your job long or get a good reference if you can't consistently show up for work.
Simple enough, right? We live in an age where serving others is seen as demeaning. It's hard to find yourself working for a small salary and doing more than your job description, but it's the best advice I can give you. It's how you get ahead not just as a nanny, but in life. Nannying, ultimately, is more than babysitting children, it's caring for the family unit that has taken their most important job (parenting) and given it to you. Quite a responsibility! And quite rewarding!!
It begins when you search for a job. First, find a family that is willing to pay more for you than they thought they would pay. This is totally relative. It depends on the families income, location, and thoughts about childcare. When searching for my first job, I asked for more than a beginning nanny would have asked for in 1994....$350 a week (I specifically wanted a "salaried" job, not hourly) with health insurance and room/board. I expected them to take out taxes, unemployment, and Social Security. I quickly found a family that was hoping to pay around $300, but were willing to meet my demands. They wanted the best and that meant paying more than they thought.
[side note: after 13 years with family #1, my salary increased exponentially and I was able to save $24,ooo in an IRA account for retirement]
Now, my current job, I was asking for $350 again (13 years later with 13 years experience). I had moved to a struggling part of the country with a very high unemployment rate. Family #2, having their first baby, were hoping to spend about $250. We settled for $300 (salaried once again, but now that I was married, health insurance and room and board were not needed). They do take out the taxes, unemployment, and social security. This seems so weird, doesn't it. Making so much less with so much experience, but I was living in a different part of the country and interviewing with people making much less than my last employers. Relatively speaking, they were paying me as much as when I started with family #1. And they also were willing to pay me more than they thought they were going to have to pay. That told me something about them and how they would ultimately treat me. With both jobs, I got paid vacation time. Secondly, I specifically looked for a family that wanted me to be a nanny...not a house keeper. If the children aren't their first priority, how can they be mine? I was willing to keep the children's toys straightened and laundry kept up, but the children were always my first priority. I didn't want my job hanging on the fact that I took great care of the kids, but I didn't finish the laundry. I wanted the expectation to be childcare only.
Unlike most jobs, you don't move up positions as a nanny. To move "up", you usually have to find a new job in a part of the country that pays more for childcare. As with my experience, starting over with a new family can mean starting with a lower salary and working your way up all over again. But, families aren't looking for 1 or 2 year nannies. It's hard to find a nanny, time consuming, and very difficult on children. It's no picnic for nannies either to integrate into new families. Ideally, families need to "promote" you with pay, bonuses, or other incentives. Raises with more children is a given. My family #1, gave me yearly raises, Christmas bonuses, generous gifts, and after a few years, gave me a trip to England and later a cruise. Family #2, is always giving me gifts and yearly raises.
Now, what did I do to earn the loyalty of these families? First, I always gave 110%. Priority #1, is always the children. But, my second priority is to help the family as much as I can so they can concentrate on being a family when I leave. When the children are napping, at school, or even busy eating breakfast or lunch, I find things to do to help the family. Family #1 worked lots of hours and needed lots of help. It was easy to become invaluable. After a few months, I could see where they needed help. Things as simple as emptying the dishwasher or filling it up, straightening, keeping everyone organized and communicating, and being flexible with my time. I was a live-in nanny with fam #1, so helping with dinner and cleaning up after weren't expected, but so appreciated. Family #2, is not as busy, but with 2 smaller children, it only took about 2 weeks to see they needed help with their towels being laundered weekly and dishes emptied daily. Remember, the kids always come first, but 9 times out of 10, I get those things done. You can't imagine how appreciative they are for such little things. Second, I'm always there and on time. If I'm not there, they can't work. There isn't a substitute nanny hotline. I have never missed a day of work because of snow or illness. It has snowed (I lived in Colorado and Michigan) and I have been sick (if I have it the children already have been exposed or vice versa), but never sick enough to not show up. There have been days that I've left my house 2 hours early to make sure I get through the snow and traffic in time for work. Reliable childcare is a must. Working parents are stressed enough without having to worry if their nanny is going to show up and you won't keep your job long or get a good reference if you can't consistently show up for work.
Simple enough, right? We live in an age where serving others is seen as demeaning. It's hard to find yourself working for a small salary and doing more than your job description, but it's the best advice I can give you. It's how you get ahead not just as a nanny, but in life. Nannying, ultimately, is more than babysitting children, it's caring for the family unit that has taken their most important job (parenting) and given it to you. Quite a responsibility! And quite rewarding!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
